“There’s no heartbeat,” said the doctor. It was all gone.
But for him? He had been ready to be a dad, already dreaming of a future with the child he had come to love. When a pregnancy ends before it begins a life, the world is more focused on the mother, and tends to forget the silent grief of the father who is unseen, unheard and unspoken about. Grief has no roadmap, and for a father, the silence after a miscarriage can be the loudest sound of all.
A miscarriage is the spontaneous loss of a pregnancy, usually happening within the first few weeks. There are physical symptoms associated with miscarriage, but it can also be very challenging to emotionally recover from the loss of a pregnancy (Johns Hopkins Medicine, 2024).
The physical pain, the hormonal shifts, the aching psychological presence of the life that was once growing takes a toll on women. But for the father, the impact is no less real, even though it rarely leaves physical evidence. While her body endures the storm, his mind can become its own battleground, carrying the weight of helplessness, shattered hopes, and the unspoken expectation to ‘stay strong.’
Research has shown that women often struggle psychologically after the loss of a pregnancy and men, on the other hand, might not show grief right away, but that does not mean they are not grieving deeply (McCreight, 2004).
A father’s grief is often overlooked, overshadowed by the natural and necessary focus on the mother’s health. In the aftermath of miscarriage, men are frequently viewed as the protector and supporter and are expected by the society to remain strong, composed, and present for their partners. (Harty et al., 2022)
“I bought a tiny pair of blue socks,” Pratyush shares, “they were soft and no bigger than my thumb. My wife was only twelve weeks along. We had only told our family, but in my heart, I was already imagining bedtime stories and small footsteps around the house. When we heard about the miscarriage, everything just… stopped. My wife cried for days and I did what was expected from me, to stay strong and push away my pain. Few days back, I was cleaning out the nursery which never really got to be one, and I found those blue socks again. I sat on the floor while tearing up thinking about my baby who I never got to meet.

I could not convince myself to let go and forget about my baby. So I kept the socks in my desk drawer, with a photo of the ultrasound. Every once in a while, I take them out, not to cry, but to remember the life that was almost in our lives… and the love that we still hold.”
When we talk about Indian society, the cultural expectation leaves little room for fathers to process their loss. Being a male is inferred as they should not, or could not, feel the agony in the same way. During this time, the focus is on comforting the mother and men are expected to suppress their emotional needs to remain steady anchors for others while unintentionally, their pain of mourning the loss of a child they had already begun to love, is left isolated.
This perspective reinforces toxic gender stereotypes for men to be the “strong” and “stoic” figures which denies men the room for processing their emotions as doing so may be perceived as a weakness or failure to fulfill their masculine role, eternalizing the misleading notion that grief is gendered. The patriarchal frame of mind places men under the illusion to maintain composure, especially in sensitive situations like miscarriage.
In Indian society, miscarriage is perceived as a taboo followed by various superstitions such as the belief that ultrasound or eating papaya causes miscarriages, leaving little space for open conversations about miscarriage as a tangible concept which suppresses the consideration of the emotional impact on mothers, which further delays the conversation about the existence of its effects on fathers. As Indian society slowly begins to open up more about mental health and emotional well being, it becomes increasingly critical to challenge these traditional norms and provide space for men to grieve, ensuring that their emotional health is prioritized just as much as women’s. The incapability to openly talk about grief can drive a person into a cycle of emotional suppression which can result in increased levels of stress, anxiety and depression. In the long run, this emotional suppression hinders the process of healing, especially for men as they might feel disconnected.
Initiatives such as public campaigns can help to break the silence and reshape the narrative that grief is a gendered emotion. This can be achieved by using media that helps to challenge toxic masculinity and help us to realize that grief is human. Support groups for fathers can offer a shared safe space that helps in establishing a sense of connection that many fathers didn’t realize they needed to be vulnerable and speak without judgment. Along with this, counseling services can aid fathers to explore the emotions they have been conditioned to ignore and also encourage them to share their feelings with their partners which helps to create a space for shared sorrow, and to navigate their grief together. Grief is universal, and its weight is felt deeply by all who experience it. Loss after miscarriage is deeply personal, but it should never feel isolating or societal. The love a father feels for a child he never got to hold does not vanish. It stays, quietly, waiting to be acknowledged. And maybe healing begins when love exists out loud.
References
Harty T, Trench M, Keegan O, O’Donoghue K, Nuzum D. The experiences of men following recurrent miscarriage in an Irish tertiary hospital: A qualitative analysis. Health Expect. 2022; 25: 1048-1057. doi:10.1111/hex.13452
Kapil, A., & Chakraborty, R. (2024). Unheard and Unseen: Exploring the disenfranchisement of perinatal loss in North-Indian men. The Journal of Men’s Studies. https://doi.org/10.1177/10608265241256962
McCreight, B. S. (2004). A grief ignored: narratives of pregnancy loss from a male perspective. Sociology of Health & Illness, 26(3), 326–350. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9566.2004.00393.x
McGarva-Collins, S., Summers, S. J., & Caygill, L. (2022). Breaking the Silence: Men’s Experience of Miscarriage. An Interpretative Phenomenological analysis. Illness Crisis & Loss, 32(2), 244–265. https://doi.org/10.1177/10541373221133003
Miscarriage. (2024, October 28). Johns Hopkins Medicine. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/miscarriage
Roberts, L., Montgomery, S., Ganesh, G., Kaur, H. P., & Singh, R. (2017). Addressing stillbirth in India must include men. Issues in Mental Health Nursing, 38(7), 590–599. https://doi.org/10.1080/01612840.2017.1294220

Author:
Divya Gupta
Lalima Mohinee Das